Miraj is still pretty shook up over Iqbal's death. Probably because, unlike me, he actually liked the guy.
If the kid wanted to cry, I let him cry. There wasn't really anything I could do about it.
What I couldn't take was that it got so bad, he kept getting nightmares and waking up at the worst possible times of the night.
It's always the same nightmare, he says. He sees the fire, he hears Iqbal screaming. He wakes up right before he turns into ash, though.
And after that, he says he can't get back to sleep. Or rather, he doesn't want to.
...I don't blame him.
I told him earlier this morning, at least try to go to school. I could tell he didn't want to go, but I insisted. Dead Iqbal or not, he still needed to work on his education.
Or at least that's what I told him, anyway.
You know how much a funeral costs? Even a crappy one?
I'll tell you: a fuckton. We had to pay for an event we didn't want, with money we didn't have.
Having that hanging over a guy's head can cause some serious meltdown potential. I know it was giving me some bad ideas.
It wasn't like me being absent from school was a one-time occurrence. In fact, I think the teachers just gave up on me even going to school.
We already had some serious money issues, even when Iqbal was around. But now that he's dead, and we have to pay for a place in the graveyard, that's...
I'm not going to lie. I thought about it as an escape. At first, it was a matter of how.
I knew where everything was. The razors, the rope, the aspirin, I knew where it all was.
Then it became a matter of where. Did I want to do it in the bathroom? In Iqbal's room?
And then after that, it turned into a matter of...why.
Why was I even considering the idea?
As it turns out, Miraj had to be sent home early from school. His teachers say he was getting too worked up, and couldn't concentrate on his assignments.
They weren't even sure why the hell I wanted him to go in the first place.
But now that he was home, I couldn't go through with it. And even if I could, I don't think I really wanted to at that point.
I was starting to realize how unfair it would've been to Miraj. I mean, he's already lost one person he cared about.
As bad as the situation was, it'd be even harder for a kid like him. Not like he can get a job to support himself.
Losing his dad turned him into a bad enough wreck. I can only imagine what it would be like if he lost his older bro as well.
I damn near kicked myself right then and there. I didn't factor Miraj into the equation.
What would've happened if I went through with it? He'd probably wind up in an orphanage or foster care. And that's if he were lucky.
But I was thinking a little more clearly now. I realized that yeah, covering costs for things we needed was gonna be difficult. I could find a job, though, and at least try to pay the bills.
Someone's got to do it, anyway. Miraj is too young, and since Iqbal's gone...
I guess that someone's gotta be me.
(End of Chapter 1.)
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